Diary of a recovering porn addict #1
Last night, I watched porn for the last time.
I cannot express through words how much this addiction has cost me for the past 16 years — when I started to more explicitly struggle with depression and anxiety disorder.
Lately the memories of the girl I used to be in love with during my teenage years, when this addiction begun, have become more vivid in my mind.
Jessica.
I don’t know if it was really love, or just an obsession. I was too young to tell the difference. But the truth is that you have stayed with me for all these years. Whatever I try to do and fail, it’s just another desperate attempt to fill the void that you left.
You wanted me and I let you pass me by like sand slipping through my fingers. Now you’re married to somebody else — a guy I used to know and despised.
Even tough you wanted me, I did nothing and watched you go away to another man. Just like a cuck, from the porn videos I watch.
This addiction and everything associated with it — the depression, the anxiety disorder, the erectile dysfunction — have destroyed my sense of manhood and self-respect.
I wish I had never discovered the internet. But, then again, I cannot blame external factors for my failures. I must take responsibility.
Starting today, I will stop watching porn and masturbating. I will periodically come back here to write my thoughts during this journey of recovery.
I will turn my life around. I refuse to be a loser. I will bring justice to that child I used to be, who had a bright and promising future.
For context, if you need an introduction or detailed account of my struggles with depression and porn addiction, read the following stories.
I hope you stay with me through this struggle and can be motivated to follow a similar journey yourself. If anything about my struggle resembles your own, please feel free to stay in touch.
